Lisa Bonnema

Mom. Writer. Speaker.

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In the Wind

October 1, 2016 by Lisa

Sometimes, when life feels chaotic and out of control (which, let’s be honest, is more often than not), I stop in my tracks and go outside. My oldest daughter Emma caught me the other day and asked me what I was doing.

“Feeling the wind,” I answered, watching the trees dance.

“Yeah, it feels good, doesn’t it?” she said.

“It does,” I replied.

In that moment, I know she was referring to the relief of the breeze. It was a steamy day, the sun blazing hot, so the wind provided a much-needed respite from the heat.

I, too, was referring to relief, but not quite in the same way.

I think everyone has something in nature that connects them to God—the stillness and vastness of water, the warmth of sunshine, the beauty and joy of flowers, the life-giving properties of hands working in dirt.

For me, it’s the wind.

Several years ago, when I first became a Christian, I taught a 4- and 5-year-old Sunday School class. In one of our lessons, we attempted to teach the concept of Faith. The analogy we used was the wind—you can’t see it, but you can feel it. Just like God. The lesson has never left me, and time and time again, I have used that analogy to remind me of God’s presence.

Sometimes, when the storm is raging and life sends damage and cracks that feel powerful and unmanageable, God’s presence is fierce and sometimes audible, and I can rest in the knowledge that He is moving and working all things for my good and His glory.

Other times, when life feels dry and monotonous, I may not feel Him at all, but I have learned to take the time to be still and lean in closer. It is only then that I see the slight sway of a leaf, the delicate bend of a branch, the gentle reminder that He is near.

And in the harvest, when the sun is shining bright and the cool wind gives way to new and exciting change, I can soak in the goodness and remember the One behind it all—the One to whom the praise is due.

This reminder of the wind, I admit it’s one I need often. But I try not to beat myself up too much for needing a physical representation of God’s faithfulness. In those moments when my heart and head are not in sync, when I can’t tell which way I’m headed or where I might end up, the wind reminds me that He is control.

It’s the same analogy God uses to describe the Holy Spirit on the day of Pentecost:

“And suddenly there came from heaven a noise like a violent rushing wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting.”
Acts 2:2 ESV

Jesus also used the concept of wind to explain the work of the Holy Spirit:

“The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
John 3:8 ESV

While I know that God isn’t the wind,  I do believe He created it and tells it when to blow. One of my favorite songs says it best:

 

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~Bethel Music

 

So when the tears are falling and my burdens are much too heavy to share with my 11-year-old daughter, I absorb the breeze—the relief—and I release the rest to Him. I remind myself that He has been there all along, waiting to carry those burdens far, far away, so that I can simply feel His presence, hear His promises, and exhale.

 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

 

When it rains…

March 30, 2012 by Lisa

You grab your fanciest umbrella,
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some fun rain boots,
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and you let it rain.
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IMG_1168edit

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Knowing all along,
IMG_1177

that you are covered.
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Making it work… (and linking up with Small Style)
Hoodie and leggings: Target, Emma hand-me-downs
Boots: Kidorable, gifted
Umbrella: Kidorable via Zulily

Purpose

March 25, 2012 by Lisa

When the tears are falling and the aches are tearing,
Use me, Lord.

When the laughter is healing and the sun is warming,
Use me, Lord.

When the day is flying and the child is asking,
Use me, Lord.

When the friend is hurting and the feet need washing,
Use me, Lord.

When the world is searching and the answers are missing,
Use me, Lord.

When you are prompting and I am listening,
Use me, Lord.

Until your work is done,
Use me.

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“Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
Isaiah 64:8

Imagine

March 13, 2012 by Lisa

I hesitate to write this, and I’m not entirely sure why. It is real. It is honest. Things I promised this blog would be. But I’m still nervous. Maybe because Brooklyn might read this some day, and I don’t want her to ever think I don’t love her exactly the way she is. Maybe because I wonder what you’ll think of me. Or maybe because I don’t want others to feel weird — or guilty — around me because their children don’t have physical challenges.

But, today, I am pushing all of that aside, and I am going to “just write” it for me. It needs to come out, and I need to make sense of it. So here goes…

For the first time the other day, I imagined what it would be like if Brooklyn didn’t have Spina Bifida. I mean really imagined. Lately, I have been watching, noticing other little ones, and I started to wonder, what if…

I tried to envision her running along side her sisters, her cousins. Climbing onto furniture. Cruising along the edge of a coffee table. Getting up onto the fireplace.

I wondered what she’d be like. Would she be a monkey like Kendall — climbing onto everything — or a busy bee like Emma — running around in circles (literally) until she fell down laughing.

What would it look like to see her pigtails bounce as she skipped? Would her personality be different? Her smile bigger? Her giggles louder?

Would she walk on her tip-toes? Would she spin and spin until she collapsed to the ground in exhaustion? Would she chase her sisters around the house, or would she prefer to be chased?

As the tears clouded my already cloudy vision, I tried my hardest to see it. And for a second, it was there. All of it.

I’ve never done that before. I did write this piece, but that was different. That was imagining her years from now (in Heaven) and it was from her perspective, not mine. I never actually tried to see my Brooklyn — the one I see every day — as anyone but who she is at this moment.

And now I know why.

It hurts. A LOT.

But more than anything, it is confusing. It makes me feel guilty, and it does not make me happy.

I have written in the past that I have felt a loss, but no regret, and I think that is very accurate. From the beginning, my heart accepted God’s plan for Brooklyn’s life. Even if I didn’t always want it or agree with it, I accepted it and I trusted Him. And I am grateful for that because otherwise I would constantly feel what I felt the other day, and let me tell you, that is NOT a good feeling.

I’m not sure if there is a lesson here or not, but I have to remind myself that not everything has to make sense all of the time. Sometimes things just are what they are, and you feel what you feel. And that’s okay.

But going through that — feeling that — confirmed that it is a total waste of time and emotional energy to picture what could be when the real Brooklyn is wonderful and beautiful and in front of me RIGHT NOW.

And it wasn’t until I went “there” that I realized just how much I accepted Brooklyn for who she is. Up until this point, I never even thought about picturing her any other way. For some reason, my images have always involved crutches and braces, even as I felt her squirm in my womb.

So, now, as I write this, I am deciding that I am not going to feel guilty about going “there” because as I’m sure you would all would tell me, it was a natural, human thing to do. And second, and definitely more importantly, because it showed me that focusing on the here and now is so much more fulfilling than focusing on what could or should be. There are some things in life that you can change, but there are other things in life that require you to simply change your perspective.

I guess that is a lesson after all — one I can apply to many other things in my life that have nothing to do with Spina Bifida.

And that really is one of the greatest blessings of this journey. How it is teaching me to live. To not imagine a life I want, but to dig down deep and create the life I want with the many blessings I have been given. To accept, to trust, to appreciate, and simply love. At the end of the day, that is really what this life is all about. We just junk it up with a lot of other things that really don’t matter.

When I think about living life to the fullest, I often imagine myself running through a field of wild grasses on a sunny day without a care in the world. And I got to thinking…is it the feeling of running through the field that makes you feel alive, or is it the breeze running through your hair?

I didn’t realize it until now, but for me, it is the breeze. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. Whether my eyes are wide open or whether they are closed, I can just feel it. We can all feel it.

That, my friends, is my blessed assurance. I pray it is yours as well.

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I am a great many things: a "mom in progress" to three beautiful girls; a wife to my favorite person; a daughter of Christ; a writer; a lover of good coffee; a recovering perfectionist; and a hopeful romantic learning to find peace and joy in God alone. This is my story and His story.

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