Lisa Bonnema

Mom. Writer. Speaker.

Archives for May 2007

Outsmarting Mommy

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Little Miss Emma has sure been giving me a run for my money lately… yes, more than usual. Granted she is getting ALL four eye teeth at once and we have major construction going on in our kitchen (read: LIVING space!), but somehow those excuses don’t seem to help in the 11th hour.

She is even starting to use my words against me… already! Case in point, Emma wants a drink of Mommy’s water. Mommy says, “It’s Mommy’s water.” Emma says, “Mommy share.” Uh, okay, what do I say to that? The girl has a point. So, yes, Mommy shares.

And then there’s the lovely phrase I regret teaching her, “One more time.” You can imagine how much fun that has brought to our lives. The best was yesterday when it prompted a complete meltdown in front of a neighbor I was meeting for the first time. And this was a major meltdown, as in yelling, screaming, and twisting out of my arms the ENTIRE walk home. All of this while this woman’s 13-month-old was taking a nap. Um, nice to meet you…

As Miss Opinionated becomes Miss Really Opinionated, I am running out of ways to outsmart her. And as my mom-in-law says, she’s only one. Imagine how much she’ll outsmart me in a few years. But let’s not think about that.

Mommy needs some pizza.

What’s Kickin’?

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Jeff felt the baby kick a few times last night, which is always such a cool moment. It makes him more a part of things and only further solidifies that there is actually a little person growing inside me (besides the fact that he no longer gets the leftover food on my plate)!

The “popcorn kicks” started late last week and happen just after I eat. I thought they seemed pretty strong, but I wasn’t sure if they were strong enough for someone else to feel. But they are — Jeff felt every one of them. Not sure what that means this early in the pregnancy… either we have a very strong boy kicking away or another feisty girl.

So much for my “easy-going” second child… :o)

Who Am I?

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Today I had to travel out to O’Hare for a work meeting. For those of you that don’t know, I work part-time from home. Anyway, on the drive home, I decided to pop in the free CD I got at MOPS last week. To my surprise, it was actually pretty darn good and not at all cheesy. Even the songs!

Anyway, one of the topics was identity: Who am I? Simple and trite enough, but what really hit me was when the CD talked about the different ways we define ourselves — by our jobs (what we do), as well as what people ask us to be (what we do for others).

All of the sudden I realized why being a mom was so hard for me the first year. For years, I defined myself by my career and what I accomplished. People expected that of me (so I thought), and I liked that (read: my pride liked that). I was a hard worker who worked all hours of the day. I traveled. I had crazy deadlines and lots of stress. That was me, and I thrived on that.

And then I became a mom. A mom like every other mom. Same trials, same frustrations, same questions. At times, that was very comforting — to know others had been through what I was going through — but it was also a little frustrating. Wasn’t I a better mom? Didn’t I put in more hours? Didn’t I read more books, have more knowledge? Didn’t I care more, try harder, and lose a little more sleep?

I am a goal-seeker. I like to succeed, and Emma quickly became my most challenging project. If I do this, she will do this. If I stop doing this, she will stop doing this. And so on.

But it didn’t take me too long to realize that Emma isn’t a project. She is my child. She won’t give me a promotion, a raise (if only!), or a gleaming review. But yet she still loves me.

She knows nothing of my past successes. She doesn’t know where I’ve traveled or what job titles I have held. But yet she still loves me.

What a wonderful blessing that is. A wonderful, but humbling blessing.

Being at home has taught me a lot about myself. When it’s just you and a trusting child alone together ALL.DAY.LONG, you quickly come face to face with who you are. The only term I can use to describe it is “raw.” Not a pretty adjective to describe motherhood, but in my experience, it is pretty accurate. The best of who you are and the worst of who you are come out when no one is looking. When no one is there to hold you accountable.

And for a while there, I didn’t like what I saw. I realized what control issues I had and how much pressure I put on myself. And for what? I mean really, for what?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that there are many responsibilities moms have besides giving hugs, but I also know that at the end of the day, Emma is going to know the real me whether I like it or not. I can’t hide behind accomplishments because, honestly, she doesn’t care. She just cares whether or not I have her snack ready for her when she wants it.

To her, I am the snack lady, and I am okay with that. Because right now, that is a pretty awesome responsibility to have.

Here’s my point: Even though I am a mom at this season in my life, I also know that it doesn’t define me. And I think that’s an important thing to remember. I think God is using my experience as a mom to shape me into the person He created me to be — the unique person He created me to be — but I have to be careful not to make it everything I am. For Emma’s sake and for mine.

I think too many of us lose ourselves in our jobs and what we do for others that we forget that there is still a person underneath those things that needs to be nourished. A person that needs to be confident in who they are so that when those things suddenly disappear, we are left with more than a sense of loss. Instead, we are left with the amazing person God planned for all along.

Emma definitely comes first, but I also know that I need to focus on a few of my needs so I can be an even better person and in turn, a better mom.

My first step? Joining a women’s bible study this summer. With all of my ministry stuff on hold for the summer, it’s the perfect time for me to be fed. I can say I do a daily devotion at home, but then I’d be lying. Somehow, Emma’s snacks and the laundry seem to always come first! :o)

So who are you? Yes, you’re a mom (or dad, girlfriend, vice president, etc.), but when all of that is stripped away, who are you really? Sure, you can take pride in your skills — whether they be making a sale or nursing your child — but at the end of the day, is the person that is left happy… or better yet, content?

I can honestly say I am getting there. The other day after Emma went down for her nap, I peeked in her room and really felt an overwhelming sense of joy. Everything just felt right in that moment, and I thanked God for my blessings. The fact that I had my “career” and now I have what is really important — my family.

I love being a mom more than any one thing I have ever done in my life, but what is really exciting is that it is just one of the many things God has in store for my life. Only one of the ways I can continue to glorify Him.

So who am I? The answer to that is complicated, but God also makes it simple: I am one of His children. And knowing that makes me want to be more than I am.