As you all know by now, we feel that Brooklyn has given us a testimony to share, and we want to share it. As a result, I am now contributing to a wonderful blog called The Journey for families raising children with Spina Bifida. I am so very honored to be a part of this wonderful resource. Check it out if you get a chance!
Archives for July 2010
Almost There
Okay, real quick update…
So far, it’s looking like Miss Brooklyn is going to hold on until this Tuesday. Earlier this week, I was having some contractions, but nothing really since Tuesday night. I think those were more of a result of our fun-filled (but hot!) day at the zoo on Monday.
I also had my last loooong day of doctor’s appointments on Tuesday (non-stress test, ultrasound, and OB visit). I didn’t realize how much I wanted those to be over until I was sitting in the ultrasound room. Jeff was with me, and we got the latest numbers on Brooklyn ventricles (brain fluid estimations), and I lost it. The numbers were much higher than I expected — 33 mm and 27 mm — and before I knew it, the tears were streaming and I could not get them to stop. It was at the moment that I knew I wanted this to be over.
It’s not that I wanted the pregnancy to be over; I was just done with all the stinking appointments. Done with the long days, the drama, the worry, the head games I had to play with myself every time…building myself up for what I might see, trying to stay strong for what I did see, then trying to convince myself that what I actually saw meant nothing. Totally and emotionally exhausting. Let’s just say I would rather not see an ultrasound machine for a very, very long time.
The good news is that my OB wasn’t concerned with the ventricle size at all and said it’s all proportionate to her growth. (So, yes, I totally overreacted.) And speaking of growth, our “little peanut” is now up to the 56th percentile in weight!!! That was such awesome news — we really want her to be as strong as possible if she does in fact require surgery.
She is still breech, but this girl is trying her hardest to move. Not sure she’ll make it there, but I’m still praying that she will. The c-section is all set up, but in all honestly, my heart’s desire is to deliver her naturally. Of course, I have no control, so whatever is meant to be will be.
I truly, truly believe that. I am at total peace right now with whatever happens. Now, I admit that last week was a totally different story. I wasn’t ready. But after having some contractions and then the emotional release of Tuesday’s appointment, my heart faced it all head on, and I honestly feel ready for anything. If she comes this weekend, great! We get to meet her sooner. If she waits until Tuesday, fine. Then all of our “plans” are in place, and we know what to expect (kinda).
The last few days have been wonderful as I get everything “in order” and do some last-minute fun things with the girls. I’ve even been able to have some really good talks with Emma.
Overall, I am totally motivated and feeling really good — both physically and emotionally. Our plans are in place in terms of babysitters and emotional support for Brooklyn’s birth and the days following, and I am so very excited to meet our little angel.
We’ll keep you all posted, and as always, thank you so much for your prayers. She’s almost here!
Power – Part 2
So this is the post where I lose some of you. The post when I talk about the “S” word and things that are not exactly popular or “comfortable” beliefs. The post that will surely have you calling me a “holy roller.” (If you haven’t already categorized me as such). But, of course, that is exactly why I need to write it.
Before I begin, let me tell you that I am completely aware of the potential “realities” of Brooklyn’s condition:
I am aware that she may be born with much more than just Spina Bifida.
I am aware that she may need 2 major surgeries within the first few weeks of her life and could have up to 30+ surgeries by the time she is 20 years old.
I am aware that she may have a shunt in her brain that can save her life, but can also take her life away if it becomes infected because I simply mistake it for the flu.
I am aware that she may never be able to go to the bathroom on her own.
And, yes, I am aware that she may not be able to wear any of the baby/toddler shoes that sit here waiting for her.
(Very) early puberty, seizures, vision difficulties, potential cognitive challenges…the list goes on and on and on.
These potential “realities”…trust me, I know of them. On “bad days,” I have allowed myself to test each one out to see if I could in fact handle them. But for now, they are filed tightly away until I actually have to deal with them. They have been noted, but they are sitting on a little shelf some might label “denial.” And I am okay with that. One. day. at. a. time.
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With that said, on to “power” experience #2…
Right after my prayer shower, I was on a high. That night, Jeff and I had an absolutely wonderful time of sharing that our marriage and our hearts truly needed. The next day, I told my OB nurse all about the shower, and she was moved to tears. She prayed for Brooklyn right there in the middle of my non-stress test. I was strong, fulfilled, and encouraged.
But then Monday afternoon hit, and I started to get dragged down. Hard. As the days and hours passed, the doubts, the insecurities, the everyday challenges started to take over. I was tired, angry, impatient. I got sick. The girls were at their worst. By Thursday, I literally had the worst Mommy day of my life. I screamed and said things to my girls I never would have imagined I would say. At one point, my little 4-year-old Emma looked at me and said, “Mom, you are letting the Devil work through you.”
And, you know what, she was right.
I truly believe that Satan was attacking me. No, I don’t think I was “possessed” or that some demon was taking over my body, but I do believe that the power of what happened at that prayer shower ticked him off. Something was happening, and he didn’t like it. I might as well have had a big target sitting on my belly.
So he attacked and attacked and attacked. And it wasn’t just because of the prayer shower. It was because on Thursday night, we had another prayer “meeting” scheduled with the healing prayer team at our church. Satan literally did everything he could to keep us away from that meeting. My body so wanted to stay home; my heart didn’t want to deal with one more emotion. The excuses were easy…I was literally sick (I need my rest), I was too tired (I AM pregnant after all), I had no babysitter lined up (I’d hate to ask one more person to watch our kids), the girls needed their Mommy to put them to bed (I leave them enough)…
But when the excuses kept coming and Jeff actually suggested we stay home, I knew we needed to go. My Mom even voiced my thoughts out loud, saying that I knew who was trying to keep us away (Satan). So we went, and God totally won that battle.
At the “meeting,” this team didn’t focus on praying for our peace or even for God’s will (although we know that is the ultimate deciding factor). They prayed for healing. Complete and total healing. Healing of Brooklyn’s back, her nervous system, her legs, her clubbed feet, the fluid around her brain. As one man prayed, we BOLDLY asked God to heal our baby because yes, it is bold to ask God to do something so completely selfish. But it is our job to ask. We leave the answering up to Him.
Do I believe that God can heal our baby? Yes I absolutely do. He did it in the Bible, and I know He can do it now. Within a nanosecond, He could take this all away.
The question then becomes, will He? Or rather, do Jeff and I have enough faith to actually believe that HE WILL. In the Bible, He healed people simply because they believed He could. But did they also ever doubt that He would?
To be completely honest, I don’t know the answer to those questions. I want to believe 100% that God WILL heal our baby. But I am human. As much as I want to throw those “potential realities” so very far, far away, I am afraid to. It’s not that I don’t think He has the power to do it, I’m just afraid that is not His plan.
The night of our first ultrasound was one of the worst nights of my life. I literally laid in bed and cried ALL NIGHT LONG. I sobbed and grieved for hours and hours and hours. Every once in a while, I’d wake Jeff up to hold me when the pain became too much to bear, but for most of the night, it was just God and me. I truly believe God cried right along with me that night, allowed me to just feel. But then in the morning, He started to pick me up. And the journey began.
Believing 100% that He will take all of this away might mean re-living that night all over again, if in fact His plan is to not heal her. And that is so very, very scary. So far, I have not been angry with God (more on that later…), and I don’t want to be.
But that is what faith is. It is believing so much that you put His power before your own weaknesses, even if it might hurt a little. That even if His plan wasn’t what we asked for, that He would protect our hearts and get us through it. Again.
So that has been mine and Jeff’s prayer… to erase all the doubt. To wholeheartedly trust in His power. To trust that He WILL heal our baby. To do more than hope. To BELIEVE.
As Brooklyn’s birthday gets closer, I admit that it is getting harder to do as we attempt to prepare. But we are trying our hardest and fighting against Satan and all of the doubts he pours in. Ignoring the hurtful dreams, the financial stresses, the marriage struggles, the hormones, the exhaustion of raising two toddlers, and all of the challenges that want so badly to take over this home. To ignore the dozens of hurtful ultrasound images that flash through my head and just focus on that adorable, beautiful little face. To see His face in hers. To believe in His image.
We will accept His plan, but for now, please pray with us. Pray that He will heal our baby. That she be restored 100%. We have to ask for her sake. And because we know He has the power to do it.
“…Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children…”
Lamentations 2:19
Quick Update: The Countdown
Just wanted to give ya’ll a quick update on our peanut as we inch closer and closer to her birthday!
My last two doctor appointments went well. The one I had 2 weeks ago turned into an ultrasound because my belly was measuring small (about 2 weeks behind), but the ultrasound showed Miss Brooklyn is growing — she was up to 5 lbs, 9 oz — which is still within the 25th percentile. I had a feeling that she was going through a growth spurt after that appointment, and sure enough, this week my belly was only measuring a 1/2 week behind, so she is getting stronger and stronger every day!
She is still breech, so we are scheduled for a C-section on July 27. However, both my girls were early (Emma was 10 days, Kendall about 5 days), so we’ll see what happens. Miss Brooklyn certainly likes to keep life interesting, so I’m not planning on anything going the way I think it will. 😉
My OB did talk to us about doing a “version,” which is where they manually try to turn the baby in utero so that she is in position for a natural birth. But, there are risks associated with that, and Jeff and I both feel it isn’t worth it at this point. They say I am a “good candidate” because my other two deliveries went so well (nice and fast!), but I feel really confident that Brooklyn will be in the position she is supposed to be in when the time comes. Whether that means she does a flip on her own or wants to stay put, I am game. We have gotten this far, and I certainly don’t want to induce an emergency C-section if we don’t have to. We want to give Brooklyn the safest delivery possible.
(But… if you could say a prayer or two that she does flip, I’d appreciate it. I’d really like to recover from delivery as fast as possible so I can be with Brooklyn and the girls as fast as possible. I have accepted that this might not happen, but I am still hoping!)
So that’s the scoop. My last doctor’s appointment and ultrasound are on Tuesday, and then we wait until the 27th. Holy cow, that’s less than 2 weeks away. Can you believe it? Let the countdown begin!