Lisa Bonnema

Mom. Writer. Speaker.

Archives for 2010

Whispers

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It’s absolutely amazing how God has revealed himself to us these last few months. Sometimes it’s in quiet whispers as I look out the window or soak in the smell of a giggling ponytail bouncing on my lap. Other times, I swear He has been right there in the room, very loudly telling us, “I am here.”

Even in the weeks leading up to our first ultrasound, I feel God was whispering in an effort to prepare my heart, even though I had no idea what was to come. I vividly remember sitting on the couch with Jeff a few days before the ultrasound, telling him that sometimes I had a small feeling we might have a child with special needs simply because I thought Emma would be so awesome with him or her. Jeff quickly dismissed the idea—and so did I—assuming it was nothing more than “third-child paranoia” and nerves.

As I’ve mentioned before, we also decided to find out the sex of our baby this time—Jeff’s idea—and I admit I was pretending to be more excited about it than I was. It honestly didn’t matter to me. I also have never been a huge fan of saying, “As long as it’s healthy” simply because what if the baby wasn’t healthy? What if she had 9 fingers instead of 10? Did it matter? Would you not love the baby the same? I can honestly say that those words never sat right with me…especially now.

On the day of our ultrasound, Jeff and I were on the phone (he was meeting me there), and I asked him if he was excited. He said he was, and I teased him about the baby being difficult so that we wouldn’t be able to find out the sex. But then in all seriousness, I said, “We do need to remember what this ultrasound is really about. It’s not about girl or boy—although that is bonus information—it is about our baby and his or her health.” He agreed, and we hung up as I arrived at the ultrasound facility.

Now don’t get me wrong, the information we received in that ultrasound room took both of us completely by surprise. I plan to write about that experience in the future, but I can tell you I will never forget Jeff’s reaction. Watching a heart breaking before your very eyes is an image you can’t escape. The red cheeks, the confused eyes, the nervous hands…it’s like it happened yesterday. I will never forget that night — ever — even though I was in total shock. Even today, the reality of it all surprises me and catches me off guard as we go about our daily routine. Sometimes I think that is a sign of pure acceptance, while other times I wonder if it’s God giving my heart a break.

So it’s not like I had this “I already knew” moment, but as I look back, I can hear the whispers. The small preparations He made. The way He opened my heart to His possibilities, His plan—a plan that was so far removed from mine.

And while I have lots of “yelling” moments to tell you about as well (stay tuned!), I have learned to listen closely for His whispers.

Sometimes they provide what I feel might be very real information, but most of the time, they just provide a whole lot of comfort when I need it the most. Sometimes they come from a little girl who stops mid-eating to quietly pray for her sister’s “sick legs,” and other times they come from another little girl who stops mid-play to announce in her proudest (and loudest!) voice that she is going to be a big sister.

No matter the volume of His voice, I am trying to listen hard these days…and that usually means ignoring the world a little bit.

In my hallway, a framed image reads:
“Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud.”

I am still learning to listen, to drown out the other voices, and I am far from perfect. Before this experience, I admit that I would pick and choose when I followed God’s lead. I’m sure He has tried to tell me a lot these last few years, but life is busy, and well, it’s easy to get caught up in the meaningless jibber-jabber that is all around us. I can only imagine what I’ve missed, the murmurs of Truth I’ve ignored.

But now, it is different. Everything is different. I am different.

I am listening.

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Jeremiah 33:3 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV


“You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.”
Psalm 73:24 NIV

Quick Update…All is Well

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Good news at our ultrasound today! Brooklyn’s ventricles are about the same size as last time, which means the fluid in her brain is stable and not rapidly increasing. Praise God!

Of course, we would like all that fluid to simply disappear, but one step at a time. For now, we are rejoicing in what was actually a pretty uneventful appointment. Jeff was able to meet me there this time, so I feel kinda bad that we were in and out of the ultrasound pretty quickly. No sneak peeks at her cute little nose or even those kicking feet. But we both realize we can’t expect every single appointment to be some momentous occasion, and honestly, it was kinda nice that it wasn’t. Hearing a simple “all is well” is more than okay with us these days.

Miss Brooklyn is weighing in at a petite 3 lbs, 1 oz, which puts her at about the 23 percentile and definitely within normal growth rates. (A very good thing!) However, because she is a little bit on the smaller side, our OB is being cautious and would like to make sure she is getting enough oxygen, which means he wants me to start having weekly (yes, WEEKLY) NST tests…ugh!…on top of seeing me for regular appointments every 2 weeks…ugh!….and an ultrasound every 3 weeks…grumble, grumble, grumble…

Now, I don’t mean to be whiny preggo, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that this makes me a tad frustrated. These appointments literally take half a day. Today, for example, was 5 hours from the time I left my house until the time I picked up my little ladies. Five hours! Last time was 6 hours. That’s a long time for my wonderful babysitters (love you, sisters!) and kinda exhausting for this mama. BUT, it is part of the deal, Brooklyn is totally worth it, and, well, we gotsta get used to it. So suck it up I will.

Our OB is willing to let me do some of the NST tests at Palos, so I don’t have to go out there EVERY time, which I suppose is a little better. Right?!?!???? Yes, yes it is (…as I inhale five more peanut butter M&Ms…)

Anywho… she is still in position for a normal delivery (which they are really encouraging us to do), and she is really moving a lot — hands and feet! Jeff gets to feel her move all of the time, and both girls love talking to my belly and making her kick. (I swear she knows their voices!) I know how much joy it brings to my heart every time I feel her move, and it is so awesome that they get to enjoy that now too. We get to rejoice as a family, and it only makes us that much more excited to meet her.

So, my friends, that is the scoop. As always, thank you for your prayers. You are all taking a part in our baby’s life and our family’s journey, and we are eternally grateful for the work your prayers have done. Next ultrasound in 3 weeks…let’s hope it’s just as uneventful! 🙂

Update on Brooklyn

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We had another ultrasound yesterday. As if getting another peak at our peanut wasn’t enough, we also got lots of new information.

First, the good news! Miss Brooklyn is kicking around in there!!! Yes, her legs are moving! This is the first time we have been able to see that. Up until now, they were not detecting any leg movement. We still don’t know if this indicates specific movement from the knee down, but it is encouraging. God is so good!

Also, she is no longer breech and has moved herself into “position,” which is making a normal delivery (not a C-section) a very real possibility. We are waiting to see if our neurologist agrees with our OB that this is a safe option for Brooklyn’s condition, but our OB seems very confident that this will be more than fine based on the defect’s lower location and its size. Yesterday’s ultrasound showed that defect is measuring “small,” which is another yahoo!

Either way, Brooklyn’s birthday is scheduled for July 27. BUT if she’s anything like her sisters, she may decide to show up a little sooner, which would be fine with us. We can’t wait to meet her!

She is also growing just fine and all of her organs look great, so we are more than overjoyed!

Unfortunately, we did get a bit of discouraging news. The fluid in Brooklyn’s brain has increased and has been upgraded from “mild” to “severe.” This increases the chance of her needing a shunt once she is born, could make breathing a little difficult at first, and also increases the chances of cognitive challenges later on in life. We remain hopeful that the fluid will level off at this point, but our next ultrasound in 2 weeks will give us a better idea if this is progressive or not.

Our OB is hopeful that the fluid will not increase, and so far, it is not causing her head to swell, which is very good. Still, we are concerned and asking for prayers on this very specific item.

And, by the way, your prayers are working more than you know! All of our anxiety about our appointments and switching doctors has clearly been bathed in prayer, and God is showing His presence in very real ways.

As you already know, we are very confident in our neurologist, but I haven’t had a chance to share that my OB nurse actually prayed for me at my first appointment (yes, PRAYED!), and yesterday’s ultrasound was performed by a gentle woman who had lost her own child to a more severe form of Spina Bifida. (More on those stories later…) We KNOW that these were not mere coincidences.

“For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”
Matthew 18:20 NIV

Jeff and I are so thankful for all of the prayers and support we have gotten up until this point, and we feel very confident that your prayers — and God’s awesome power — will help the fluid in her brain subside. We continue to trust and hope in His plan!


“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.”
Matthew 6:9-10 NIV