Lisa Bonnema

Mom. Writer. Speaker.

Archives for 2010

And Away We Go…

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Appointments.

That is basically where we are at right now. Lots and lots of appointments. I was putting them off, I admit, because that meant time away from the girls and really, I wasn’t ready for that yet. I know that will be a big part of our life from here on out…but it is honestly a part I dread.

Funny how it’s the little things that can get to you. I’ve always been that way though. I can handle the “big things” pretty easily. Maybe because I know only God can handle them, but it’s the little things that I struggle with. It’s the day-to-day stuff that makes me feel like I am lacking and that I am somehow failing. And letting the girls down is now a looming fear that creeps in way too often.

Many of you know that Emma was with us the night that we found out about Brookyln’s Spina Bifida. Not the best situation, but in many ways, it helped relieve us of the decision as to what to tell her, when to tell her, etc. She knew from the start, whether we liked it or not.

Well, on the way home that night, I was trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say to my little girl as I was still trying to comprehend it all myself. I told her that Brooklyn might have “sick legs.” I told her that even though she might not be able to do all the things we can do, she is going to be a perfect addition to our family. She will teach us about God in ways we never imagined. She will be special, and she will be a very important part of our family.

After my pep talk, I was feeling pretty good about my words and the fact that I was doing a good job of hiding my breaking heart, when from the backseat came the smallest little voice…

“Mom, does that mean Brooklyn will be more important than me and Kendall?”

Silence.

My worst fear…spoken by a 4 year old that had more wisdom and understanding than I ever imagined. My worst fear…before I even knew it myself.

As I desperately tried to backtrack — telling Emma we are all made special by God in different ways and all play an important part in our family — I felt a horrible sense of failure.

Even as I become more informed about all of the challenges we have ahead of us, it is still my biggest fear: Taking care of all three of my children in a way that makes them all feel loved, special, and important. Making Emma and Kendall feel loved even though Brooklyn will be getting lots of attention. Making Brooklyn feel loved even though she can’t do all the things Emma and Kendall will be able to do. Making them understand that they will each make me proud in different ways. And that I love them all equally.

I know this is a struggle every mother with more than one child has. But somehow it has now been magnified…by like 100. Maybe it shouldn’t be and maybe I’m the one magnifying it, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it literally makes my heart ache.

The comfort I have is believing that God will also use this experience to make Emma and Kendall the people He intended them to be… compassionate, caring, accepting. We want more for our children, and I think this does give my girls an opportunity to experience life in a more challenging, but more fulfilling way. I just pray God will help me guide them in this direction. That the stress won’t take over and that the moments we are together make up for the time lost. For the confusion.

So the decisions are being made. Assuming all goes as planned at all of our appointments next week, we will deliver at Northwestern, and Brooklyn will get her surgeries at Children’s Memorial. I will have to have a C-section, which means there will be a few days when I sit in a hospital room by myself while Jeff waits in another hospital for our baby to come out of surgery and my other babies are at home being cared for by someone other than their Mommy.

These are days I have to choose not to think about. Because the thought of those days tear. me. to. p i e c e s.

I know this will not be easy. But God never said it would be easy.

As my bible study lesson so perfectly revealed to me this week…

“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake…” (Phillipians 1:29)

If my God can die on a cross for me so that I can spend a perfect eternity with my children, the least I can do is use our short period of worldly suffering for His Glory.

And I pray with all of my heart that all three of my girls learn to do the same.

Meet Brooklyn Hope

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brooklyn profile

Today we had our fetal echocardiogram and — praise God! — our baby’s heart looks healthy. The doctors weren’t really worried there was anything wrong, but any time they discover abnormalities, they usually check out the heart just to make sure there are no other issues. Up until this morning, I wasn’t worried either, but as our appointment time got closer, I admit, I was scared.

We went to the same place I had my ultrasound, so needless to say, the feelings were welling up and my heart was heavy. My mom was there for comfort, and she kept me strong. But as I sat down on the same table in the same room we originally got the news, it took everything in me to keep it together. Thankfully, our ultrasound technician was extremely kind and was happy to chat, which kept my mind at ease.

Although a pediatric cardiologist still has to review the ultrasound tape to confirm that all is well, the technician said our baby’s heart looked “perfect.” Thank you, thank you, thank you, God.

As if that wasn’t enough, our technician also gave us a few more praises: She confirmed that we are indeed having a girl, and she gave us more than a few photos of our little sweetheart.

God is so awesome. This was supposed to only be an ultrasound of my baby’s heart, but by the grace of this technician, I got to see her precious face, her active hands, and even those tiny little toes. She waved to me, and at one point, gave us a thumbs up as if to say, “No worries, Mom, I am okay.” I can’t describe the joy my heart felt in that moment. Another image imprinted in my heart forever.

Also, now that we know for sure that our baby is a girl, I want you all to know that her name is Brooklyn Hope. Or, as her Daddy already calls her, “Brooke.”

When we first found out we were pregnant, Jeff and I quickly decided on names, and it was always going to be Brooklyn for a girl. But I admit, the night we found out she had Spina Bifida, I was tempted to change it. The next day, however, we decided her name needed to stay exactly the same because she was the same baby God had put in our life just 3 months before. He created her and has known her all along, and we wanted to honor that with the name our hearts chose in the beginning. She is our baby no matter what the details are, and we love her just the same.

Her middle name, however, did change. Originally it was going to be Marie, which is my middle name and my Great Grandma’s name. But we knew we wanted to also honor God and the impact Brooklyn was having on all of us, and “hope” just seemed to fit in so many ways.

“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.”
Romans 5: 2b

While we certainly hope for our baby’s healing, more importantly, we have learned that God provides hope, comfort, and strength even in the darkest of days. Hope in Him gives us perspective, peace, perseverance, and even praise when challenges take us to places we never thought we’d be.

He is the light in our sorrow. A light that is so brilliantly shining through our little girl, that even she knows, it is all going to be okay.

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When Doubt Creeps In

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Today was a bad day.

And while I know what you are thinking, the day was really like any other bad Mommy day. It was a day of way too much crying, way too much whining, way too much yelling, and way too many Reese’s peanut butter cups (don’t you dare ask how many…)

It was a day when bedtime couldn’t come soon enough and once it did, the Mommy regrets came, along with the urge to run into their bedrooms to hug and apologize for all the wrong things I did.

But instead of the “at least there is tomorrow” thoughts that usually provide some peace, that is when it hit me. And this bad day only got worse.

The questions and fears and tears came out of nowhere, and they hit me hard. Really hard.

If I can’t handle a day like today, how can I handle a “bad” day once the baby comes?
If I have no patience now, how will I possibly have the patience for the challenges ahead?
How can I provide the emotional support for three precious little girls when I am such a mess?
How can I do this?
Clearly, I can’t do this.
There is no way I can do this.
God, you didn’t pick the right woman.

The doubts just kept coming, and the cries to God were loud and painful.

Oh God, I just want her to be okay. I want this all to just be okay.

After a call to Jeff, I felt a little better, but my heart was extremely heavy. And then I was led to a copy of the sermon our pastor gave 2 weeks ago that I’d been meaning to read, and here is the verse that I saw:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5: 3-5)

The verse instantly provided peace, but as I reflected on it a little more (while cleaning toilets no less), it occurred to me…

This is not about who I am now, but who I will become from this experience. In other words, God will use this experience to make me the Mom I need to be to this baby…and even the Mom I need to be for Emma and Kendall. He will give me the perseverance and the character. And the hope that will make me turn to him when I feel I’m not enough.

You see, it isn’t about what I can’t do. It’s about what God can do.

Since we started our journey, a lot of people have told us that God “chose” me and Jeff to be this baby’s parents. That He only picks special people to take care of such a special child. And I’ll admit, those words have provided a lot of peace and reassurance. But in some ways, they’ve also provided a little bit of pressure. And for those of you that know me, I don’t take pressure lightly.

But now, after tonight, I’m not so sure I believe those words. I think God could use any one of us to do anything He needs us to do. The point is not that Jeff and I are “special” or even the “right” people for this job. The point is that His power is so great that He can use even us to do His work. We just have to allow Him to work through us.

That knowledge gives an enormous amount of comfort and peace to my soul. It renews my heart and encourages my spirit.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

As God forms this precious life inside of me, He is also forming me. What a blessing. What a comfort. What a God.