I planned on going to bed early tonight, but here I sit, again, at the computer screen. I have had so many posts half-written in my head, but somehow they haven’t made it onto the screen.
That seems to be happening a lot lately. I have the best of intentions, yet my follow-through hasn’t been the best. I feel like I have been letting down so many people…friends, the girls, Jeff, God.
I used to think I was “anal,” but with the humbling gift of children, I realized I am not at all anal — or organized — but I am a perfectionist. And perfectionism can paralyze you at times. You know Black Swan… that really dark, twisted movie that most people would never see again? I totally got it. Not sure I would ever see it again, but I think I was more disturbed by how much it spoke to me. Sometimes your own expectations can, well, kill you. The quest to be “perfect.” It often stops me in my tracks, frozen and staring straight into the face of failure.
Real-life example: I go to Bible study on Monday nights. I am not saying this to get a notch in my belt. Actually, quite the opposite. I have been HORRIBLE about getting my lessons done. There are 5 per week and that’s a lot for this season in my life. And although that might be understandable, the expectation still hovers over me…another thing that didn’t get done.
It was tempting not to go tonight. I haven’t done a lesson for weeks and wouldn’t be able to participate. And I don’t do “quiet” or “listen” well. But I went. It was our last study, and I didn’t want to let myself down or disappoint my group. I made a commitment, and the least I could do was show up. Plus, I kinda wanted a Mommy night out before Jeff heads out of town for a few days.
And, of course, in all of his awesomeness, God totally spoke to me tonight. Like A LOT. He used my “listening” — my failure to do the lessons — to bless me. Can I tell you how much I love that about Him? How He loves me despite my many shortcomings and works to show me that my weaknesses are there to push me forward, to help me grow…not to hinder me.
To be clear, that guilt about the lessons was not Him…it was me. He, on the other hand, found a way to show me I am loved, even when I neglect to make time for the most important thing in my life. He blessed me simply because I showed up…empty-handed, yes, but with a willing heart. And truly, friends, that is all it takes.
On the way home, I ended up getting an opportunity to do something nice for two people I love very much, and it felt so good. Not just because I actually followed through on something I have been wanting to do for weeks now, but because God orchestrated a night to bless me, to encourage me. And I never even asked.
This may not be my most well-written post, nor will it have my usual “zinger” at the end, but I don’t care. Today, I dedicate this post to Him. To thank Him for his love, His grace, and His patience with me as I try to figure out His will for my life. I trust that He will see my intention, and that will be enough. Tonight, I am humbled and honored to be His daughter, imperfections and all.
