I usually try to keep this blog pretty upbeat because, hey, it’s all about Miss Emma. But once in a while a mama needs to vent, right? So here it is: I miss breastfeeding. A LOT. I mean, I know what’s done is done, but I truly miss that connection with my little wiggle worm. No, we weren’t perfect at it, but it was still a bond no bottle can duplicate.
I was putting away all of my nursing gear the other day and got really depressed. It’s offically over. (Trust me, I have the training bra boobs to prove it!) It was on my terms, I know, but it kinda wasn’t. I hope I can do it longer with our next child. I miss the closeness, the convenience, and well, the unexplainable feeling you get from knowing your body is providing nurishment to your child.
And then there’s the guilt. Yes, I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, blah blah blah, but I do. Emma has been really sick since last Saturday with the most awful cold. I mean HORRIBLE. Temp of 102 that finally went away YESTERDAY (yes, as in 4 days later!), a nose that is chapped from the constant flow of mucous, and the hacking cough. Oh, the cough — it scares the crap out of us. She chokes and chokes to the point that Jeff and I fear she’ll stop breathing. Jeff even took to the couch for 2 nights so she could sleep with me and I could ensure adequate airflow.
So what does this have to do with breastfeeding? Well, maybe a lot, maybe nothing. You see, this certainly isn’t Emma’s first cold, but it is her first without the boob juice. And it is the worst BY FAR!! It required two trips to the doctor and constant “check in” calls to him. I can’t help but wonder if this cold would be milder if I was still breastfeeding. I always thought breastfeeding prevented sickness in general, but maybe in a crazy cold season it just helps keep the symptoms to a minimum…
Yes, I am a little nutty. Why did I stop breastfeeding? To relieve myself of the pressure of possibly eating something that caused her pain. And why do I now wish I could? To relieve myself of the pressure of possibly causing her sickness. Does this constant blaming ever end? Probably not.
I guess in the end, no one — including me — is good enough for Emma. Just wait until someone else hurts her in some way. Mama Bear will be ready to rumble!