Lisa Bonnema

Mom. Writer. Speaker.

Mommyland update

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So it’s been a while since I’ve written a Mommyland entry, but with good reason. It hasn’t been fun. In fact, you can always tell if I’ve had a bad week by the lack of posts or if they seem a little forced.

I’ve never wanted to make this blog about me and my feelings. I’m not comfortable working out my “issues” online. But you know what, I really need to vent.

Let me just put it out there: Kendall’s stomach sucks. It has caused more worrying than I ever had with Emma. At first, I wasn’t as worried simply because I had been through this with Emma, and she was more than fine 2.5 years later. Miss Emma has more than thrived and sleeps awesome now, so I kept telling myself, “This too shall pass.”

But the process has been long. I have been on a very strict nursing diet for 6 long months now, with little to no success. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, effects Miss Kendall’s stomach. To the point that for much of her life, I’ve been afraid to eat. I seriously say a little prayer for her protection every time I put a morsel in my mouth. Not a fun way to live.

We’ve tried Holistic remedies, with no success. And now we’re trying hypoallergenic formula, with little success. I tried so hard to fight the formula thing, but I am shrinking again and well, my sanity is just about gone. I want to do what’s best for Kendall, but I don’t know if I can feel completely responsible for her digestive system anymore. I wish I could say, “To hell with it,” and eat normal again AND nurse her, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how NOT to blame myself when she has a bad night or day.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m totally aware that a lot of this is about my control issues. I have MORE than thought all of this through, and I realize that this diet makes me feel like I am doing everything I can to help Kendall, even if it is not helping. Once again, I am trying to fix, trying to control, trying to make things “the way they should be.” So I don’t want pity here.

And as much as I want to nurse Kendall, I also think that pride is getting in the way of me making the right decision. My pride that always sets “goals’ and works hard to achieve them. I WILL nurse my second child for a year. That was my goal. But am I doing that at the expense of my child? I really don’t know anymore.

I have honestly agonized over the decision of whether or not to continue nursing or to move on to formula. She doesn’t sleep either way. Her reflux bothers her no matter what, and she has crazy gas. Sometimes she just wiggles in discomfort, other nights she cries out in pain as her stomach spasms under my arm. And some nights she moans herself to sleep.

She doesn’t poop for days. Although since we’ve been supplementing, that has changed. A good thing? Not sure. It’s pretty mucousy, but then again, it always has been. She’s never had blood in her stool, like Emma did, but I’ve also completely avoided milk from the beginning.

So what is my point? I have no clue. I just know that I want my baby to have a good night. I want something to help her. And man, I want to eat.

Granted, a lot more could be wrong. My baby is thriving. She is absolutely adorable. She is a happy, happy baby, and giggles at the drop of a hat. She melts my heart with one look.

So I guess I ask for prayer as I (we) continue to decide what is best for our child. And as solids start becoming a part of the picture, my fears only intensify.

It shouldn’t be this hard or dramatic, I know, but when you are trying to do the best for your child, you can never second guess enough. I know I have driven my family and Jeff crazy with this, which is why I am writing now. I am hoping that this might help me get it all out. Help me move on. Help stop the hamster wheel spinning in my head.

So there it is. I could write more, but I’m tired of thinking about it all. Let’s just hope tonight is a good night.

Mommy Moments

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**Submitted as part of 5 Minutes for Mom Mother’s Day photo contest…

After 2-1/2 years of being a Mommy, I often find myself still amazed that I am a mom. Most of the time, I’m not sure how we’ve managed to make it this far. And now that there are 2 kids under my care?! Well, let’s just say I’m winging it!

BUT then there are the moments I like to call “Mommy Moments.” The times when I really feel like a Mommy. Times when I feel like I know what I’m doing. When things feel natural and “right.”

New Year’s Day was one of those moments. There was tons of snow on the ground that day, and Jeff really wanted to take Emma outside. So after a quick trip to the store for some snow boots, I bundled Emma up and sent her out to play with her Daddy. She was so excited, and I just loved watching them make snow angels and stomp through the snow hills. I think Emma face-planted into the snow a half-dozen times — and she loved every minute of it!

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But then I saw my baby’s cheeks getting rosy, and I knew it was time to come in. So I peeked my head out the door, and told Emma to come in and warm up, and I’d make her some chicken noodle soup.

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After shedding the layers, I bundled her up on the couch with some warm (rice) milk while I made her soup. When it was ready, she came to her chair, but the soup was too hot. Remembering my mom’s trick, I got an ice cube out of the freezer and put it in her soup to cool it down. It was ready to eat in no time. There was such a wonderful peace inside me when Emma took that first slurp of soup and smiled at me with her rosy cheeks. All felt right with the world.

The only thing missing? Hot chocolate. But not to worry, I finally got around to ordering these, so Miss Emma may get a treat before this cold weather leaves us for good.

Any other Mommy Moments out there?

Thank you, Lord…

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…that I have two kids sleeping now AT THE SAME TIME. Even if it is only for 20 minutes.

The perfect opportunity to get a little work done. Or eat a meal. Or get some sleep.

(Or watch last night’s American Idol… :o)

The Scoop

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I am so sorry I haven’t posted. I kept wanting to give you guys the whole labor story and the drama that followed, but that would involve time…something I have yet to find in my attempt to mother two children! :o) Therefore, you’ll get the quick summary for now. I plan to write down the details for myself eventually, but at this rate, that will be next year!

Anyway, yes, Amanda, I am alive ;o) and actually doing much much better. As some of you may know, you can’t really get rid of a blood clot; you have to wait for your body to absorb it. But I am on a blood thinner for the next 5 months to prevent the clot in my lung from getting bigger. I was getting my blood checked twice a week to make sure it was at the right consistency, but now my levels are more stable, so as of this week, we are attempting checking it once every other week. Yeah!

Another reason I didn’t post was because there was actually more drama that followed the blood clot drama. As you may have noticed from my post, I ended up staying in the hospital a little longer than planned. The day before they hoped I would be able to go home, I developed a large hematoma in my left uterine wall that was EXTREMELY painful. As in I’d rather have 5 kids without drugs than go through this pain again. At one point, I was on two Vicodin pills, they doubled up on my morphine IV, and I was still in pain. They finally gave me Demerol (yes all at the same time) and then, well, all was well with the world… :o)

The pain of the hematoma kept me on my back for a few days and was preventing me from peeing on my own. So in went a catheter and LOTs of pain meds.

They usually do surgery and drain the hematoma, but they couldn’t do
that for me because of the blood thinner. If I went into surgery, I could hemmorhage, which would obviously not be a good thing. So the hope was that my body would absorb the hematoma. They prepared me for emergency surgery in the event that it got bigger, but thankfully, that never happened. But, I had to stay in the hospital until I could walk and pee on my own again. And deal with the pain. That’s why I got home late Monday night instead of Friday.

The real blessing was that Miss Kendall was able to stay with me the whole time. The nurses took great care of her and ensured that she was fed on demand. The doctors assured me all the meds I was on were safe for nursing Kendall, so I was able to breastfeed the whole time. Because I wasn’t able to sit up for a while, we mastered the lying down feeding position — something I could never get quite right with Emma. I have to say feeding Kendall was the only thing that kept me sane during those 11 VERY long days.

I’m not sure I’m ready to write about the emotional impact of all of this just yet, but I have to say that being away from Emma was by far the worst part of it all. Half of my heart was so overjoyed to have Kendall in my life, but the other half was so very broken that I couldn’t see my first baby. The one I spend every second of the day with. The one who understood enough to miss and cry out for me, but wasn’t old enough to understand that I didn’t leave her for good. Some day I’ll be ready to write more, but for now, let’s just say my heart is still on the mend. And I think hers is a little bit too.

The hematoma still hasn’t gone away, but the pain is decreasing every day. And according to my OB appointment yesterday, it is finally getting smaller! It’s about 1/4 the size it was 5 weeks ago, so hopefully in a few more weeks it will be completely gone.

They’ve done tests and concluded that the blood clot was a “fluke” of pregnancy, meaning that nothing in my blood or genetic makeup makes me prone to clots. It was just the increased estrogen levels and the pressure in my pelvic area. They assume a clot formed in the pelvic region, and then after delivery, popped up into my lung. Also, believe it or not, the blood thinner is what caused the hematoma. I felt like I couldn’t win!

I do realize how very blessed I am that they caught it — and that I am alive today — but if I’m going to be honest, the whole thing still seems more like nuisance than anything. Yes, God did protect me and answered the MANY prayers that went up for me, but it is a strange feeling to have such a fuss made over you. But more on all that later.

Anyway, Miss Kendall is doing great, although her tummy seems even more sensitive than Emma’s — but at least I’m prepared this time. And Emma is adjusting fairly well. She was pretty shaken up with me being gone for so long, so it took us a while to get back on track, but we’re getting there. I have my good days and bad days, but I know I’ll eventually find my Mommy groove again. For now, I sit in awe of you women with three and four children. How do you do it???

So that’s the scoop for now. I realize this doesn’t seem like a “quick summary,” but there is so much more I could write! Hopefully I can start posting more often. Poor Kendall is already getting treated like a second child…she’s almost 6 weeks old and I have yet to write her one-month letter!