I did not buy one piece clothing you see Brooklyn wearing in this photo. (Okay, I bought the socks, but you can’t see them, so there. ;). Every piece was given to us either as a hand-me-down or as a gift. And although I didn’t plan it this way, I cannot think of a better way to depict this past week.

For many reasons, the past few weeks have been emotional for me. Really emotional. Nothing major happened, I guess. It was just the pile-ups of many smaller things — burdens — I was carrying, that suddenly seemed too heavy, too much to bear alone.

But one of the many things I love about God is that He often uses your weakest moments to reveal some of the greatest blessings in your life. And this week, that blessing was my friends.

These past two years have taught me a lot, but one lesson I have really learned is what it means to be real friend. Don’t get me wrong, I am no where near the perfect friend — I am absolutely horrible at phone calls! — but I do know what it means to be on the receiving end of friendship when something happens to rock your world.

I know how it feels to have thoughtful care packages delivered at exactly the right moment; what it means to have someone just listen; and how healing it is to see tears forming in your friends’ eyes because they love you enough to hurt with you.

Too often, we back away from being there for someone because we don’t want to bother them. Trust me, I have done that way too many times. But I have learned that there are many ways to let someone know you care, and let me tell you firsthand, they want to know that. And many times, they need to know that. 

It is really, really easy to isolate yourself when life throws you a sucker punch. The pressure to put on a brave face — to be strong — and then suffer behind closed doors. But God encourages us to share our burdens. With Him, of course, but also with others we love and trust.

I have taken that lesson to heart as both a giver and receiver of friendship. Seeing my friends love me makes me want to give more to them. It inspires me — convicts me — to be a better, more compassionate friend. To them and to others.

Nothing changed this week — nor likely will change any time soon — to take away some of the burdens I have been carrying. But I can definitely say that the load felt lighter, more manageable after I removed my mask and shared my heart.

There is no greater gift than knowing we are not alone. God is always there, yes, but I truly believe He puts people in your life for times when you need the warmth of a hug, the sound of a voice that says nothing more than “I’m here,” or even a text to remind you that someone is praying right along side you.

The sweater Brooklyn is wearing was given to me by a friend that once showed up at my door during a very stressful time with brownies and my (extremely detailed) Starbucks order. The shirt and shoes are hand-me-downs from my sister-friend who joyfully watched my girls more times than I can count during my many OB and specialist appointments. The jeans are a hand-me-down from a friend that I know with all my heart has prayed for my children and wasn’t afraid to text me the day after Brooklyn was born to see how I was doing. And the necklace is from my other sister-friend who did everything in her power  — including ridiculous taxi fees — to be there for every one of my girls’ birthdays.

All precious gifts that were given to me out of true, God-given love. Gifts I treasure with all my heart.

Gifts I fully intend to share.

The first time she said it, it stung.

“Where am I going tomorrow, Mommy?”

I never thought my child would be wondering who she’d be spending the day with. It should be with me — her Mommy — shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t it?

When Jeff and I decided to start trying for a baby, we both agreed that me being at home was a priority. At the time, I was able to finagle an “at home” work arrangement that let me do my writing during nap time and at night, with a “big girl” trip into the office once a week. I admit, it was a good gig.

But then life threw us a few curve balls and work was no longer an “option” but a necessity. And as much as I feel blessed to be able to help provide for our family, there are days when I have to fight to not get angry. To not get jealous. To not get resentful.

I am just so flipping tired.

But then there are days when I love the fact that I can grab my cup of coffee, enter my “office,” and stretch myself outside of these four walls. I get to research, talk to smart people, and create something that I am good at. And get paid for it. All the while, my girls are happy and being well cared for.

In a way, it’s like having it all. I know this. But at night, I find myself wishing I could be like “everyone else” who gets to enjoy some downtime instead of psyching myself up for another long night of work. I want to go to bed before 12am. Just once.

On Mondays and Thursdays, when I hear Brooklyn laughing two rooms away, my heart wishes I was the one making her giggle. I want to trade in stressful deadlines for a round or two of Candy Land, where my only worry is to not pick up the dreaded gingerbread man when I am only two reds away from sweet candy bliss.

But I know all to well that Candy Land has its own set of stresses. I’ve had a taste of both sides of Mommyland, and neither one is easy. Being with them all day; leaving them with someone else. It’s all hard. And exhausting.

And that’s the part where I actually get encouraged. Not in a “misery loves company” kind of way, but I must say it is extremely healing to realize that you are not the only one struggling to find balance. There was a time in my life when I played the “I’m busier” game, and it’s very lonely. The fact is that we are all busy and trying to figure out how to enjoy the life we have been given.

I admit that many days I have to work at finding the joy. It’s a choice — plain and simple. And although my head knows the “right” perspective, sometimes my heart is just not there. And, lately, my heart just so isn’t there.

But I am working on it. I am trying to accept this season of my life and how it is shaping me. I could waste my days longing for “simpler” times when I didn’t have to work so hard, or I could be thankful that Kendall can run into my “office” and give me one of her awesome hugs before rest time. Some days I have wasted, but many days I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to be near my children, even if I can’t be with them every second.

Today, life forced me to trade deadlines for snuggles and sniffles, and let me tell you, I appreciated every one of those snuggles. And instead of a quick hug before rest time, I got to read about princesses and ballerinas under the covers.

Yes, I was exhausted at 8pm when I sat down to begin yet another late night, but as I settled in my chair, I couldn’t help but appreciate my “day off.” It wasn’t easier, necessarily, but it was exactly what my heart needed in order to catch up with my head. Today, I felt like I had it all.

But the funny thing is, it will all still be there tomorrow.