It’s been such a long time since I’ve written here, I barely know where to start. It seems odd and awkward to dive in without some sort of “I’m back” declaration, but history proves that may or may not be true. This time, though, it’s different. Or at least I think it is different.
I hope it is.
Here’s the truth: I want to write here. In fact, I do write here — in my head — almost every day. I have posts floating around my mind and my heart that get hashed out as I drive or in the shower, but they never seem to make it on the screen for many reasons. A lot of those reasons revolve around time, energy, and children that want to be fed, but after a year of self reflection, I have realized the real reason is fear.
Fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of judgment, and I’ll just go ahead and throw it out there:
Fear of doing what I think God is calling me to do.
Wow. It feels good to admit that.
For about 3 years now, I’ve felt God’s nudge to write and speak for Him. I’ve never shared that on here because it made me feel uncomfortable. In fact, the whole idea made me uncomfortable.
Part of that is because I already have a writing career. I have worked hard, built up a steady stream of clients, and even took a few risks — all of which have paid off. Surely, God wouldn’t want me to give all of that up.
And then, of course, there is the fact that I feel totally unworthy of the job. Who am I to be teaching, preaching, or pointing anyone else to God when I can barely get my Bible study done or go 20 minutes without losing it with my kids? Anyone peeking through our windows would know right away that I am no different than any other mom just trying to get through the day. I yell too much and often drown my sorrows in a jar of peanut butter. My kids run wild and throw Barbies at each other. Our family is more likely to watch a movie together than to sit down and play a game because it is only then that there is NO FIGHTING. The struggle to get anyone around here to listen or help or care sends me to my knees multiple times a day. Clearly, this does not describe a woman with any sort of authority.
Perhaps my biggest hang up, though, is that others might also see me as unworthy. Or, worse, that they would classify me as self-righteous, narcissistic, or hypocritical…maybe all three.
At first, I allowed these fears to silence me. I stopped writing because deep down, I was afraid that all of those things were true. What were my motives? Was this really a “calling” on my life, or was it my own selfish dream? How do you know for sure what you are “meant” to do?
God allowed those questions to eat at me enough to finally do something about them. Even though I stayed silent, I have spent the last year praying and really seeking God’s direction. I’ve done a lot of hard heart work that has been both exhausting and liberating. I have opened old wounds, opened my Bible, and opened my hands to both release and accept God’s plan for my life.
And so here I am.
I am not here because I am qualified or because I think I am special or to become famous. I am here because I think I am supposed to be, which is really just another way of saying I still have no clue what I am doing or where I am headed. I am just showing up. That, as shaky as it feels, is my plan.
I have decided that Faith requires you to step out, even when you don’t see the path ahead. Faith, if it is real, is uncertain and scary and risky. It is making the choice to believe more in who He is than who we aren’t.
So little by little, I am taking steps. This was one of them, and I’ll be sharing more as I go.
I may fail. I may be judged. I may even do it all wrong. But I will do it in Faith and that, I know, means I am already on the right path…wherever it leads.
